Microblog

@realDonaldTrump plz consider eating my asshole

Royce da 5'9" - Caterpillar is the first time I've heard Eminem not rap like a soccer mom in about a decade

Pool time

Whenever someone says, "indeed," I get an unexplained, but immediate urge to punch that person right in the mouth.

After a year of waiting and going back and forth, I think, next week, we're finally gonna get all the landscaping we've been looking for. #housestuff

That moment you go out to the back yard and realize your patio Sonos has been paired with your other speakers... Blaring horrible hip hop for the neighbors all day.

Artists that currently and consistently make me shout, "STFU" and immediately change the track: Tee Grizzley and Juice WRLD

I wish my home's A/C could be cranked up like my car's A/C

These fancy girls just walked into this fancy cocktail bar and ordered a custom cocktail. The bartender killed the presentation and all. The girls, amazed, asked what it was called and he replied, "deez nuts." their faces exploded and I literally died. RIP me.

This Uber driver is trying to play an FM Christian radio station based ~70 miles away. It is 1/4 Christian music, 1/4 talk radio interference, 1/2 pure static. 1 star.

Just bought a 5 hour energy drink and an 8lb maul. Let's party

Walked up to my softball game tonight and heard, "Derek, what in the hell are you wearing?" ... apparently, cut off jean shorts and pink tanks are not proper attire.

For some reason I woke up stupid early, raked the lawn, cleaned out the gutters, cleaned off the roof, and hosed out the garbage cans before work. wtf.

I didn't vote.

Apple just turned the Apple watch into a Nextel.

Another thing I wasn't prepared for when I joined the gym is the amount of primping that dudes do in the locker room. Jesus Christ.

Kari owned me on a, "did you try to unplug it and plug it back in" situation this weekend. After I smugly debugged a problem in every other way, she was right... I am proud.

🚨 GREEK FEST IS OUT OF KABOBS 🚨

Just finished building a bunch of shelves and organizing my heap of a shed... I see a shower beer in my very near future.

There is so much emo hip hop these days. I am not sure how I feel about it.