Microblog

How far over the speed limit can you go before a speed trap camera gives you a ticket? Asking for a friend who just sped past one on i235.

Pretty sure I'm the only plebe that mows his own lawn in my new neighborhood.

Here's how I use snapchat now: open app, see if Riff Raff has posted anything, close app.

Dentist: you should floss every day.
Me: how bout I just keep paying you to floss me every 6 months.
Dentist: AAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH. ok.

Plz hold the door someday

I wanna eat a smoked egg. Smoked eggs sound awesome.

Did you hear? t.co/z4vNom8lyg

i don't really know what she was expecting... t.co/0XvlsqNx1Z

Our realtor just dropped by with a big fat, your-house-is-officially-sold check 💥 who wants to party?

Just ate a bulgogi burrito. Might die. Happy.

First bike ride of the year. First bike ride from our new place to my office. Got yelled at by an angry driver. It was a beautiful thing.

If Bill Clinton becomes the First Lady, do you think he'll stun us with beautiful outfits at special events?

Last night I dreamt that @sonos updated their OS X app. It was beautiful.

Once we get past this one thing it'll be smooooooth sail-NOPE. NOOOOOOOOOOOPE .... NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOPE.

There's nothing worse than being on a phone call while there's an open bag of chips sitting in front of you just waiting to be chumped on.

Production Begins... In a few weeks, I'm taking a break from remodeling to fly to Germany and pick up a new car. t.co/W9EOaVhnlP

Ceiling broox t.co/Yy8hEy9Mqm

Past 3 days according to Fitbit: 33 miles walked and 272 flights of stairs climbed.

Less than an hour after getting to our new place, Garth Brooks kills a bunny in the back yard.

Plz send bloody marys.