Microblog

The worst part about having dark stained interior doors is: walking face first into them while attempting to navigate your house in the dark

I just had a revelation while hangin out on my deck with Garth Brooks... my property is ripe for zip lines. 🤔😮🙌

Just had an Uber driver show me his fake Uber surge app that he uses to con people out of more money. What a piece of shit.

"Your name's Laura!? Aw, that's beautiful!!! I feel like we would be really good friends!!" - this drunk girl right here

All I want for christmas is my drippin gold teeth t.co/cbIGDsi5YV

Heated steering wheels are everything

After nearly a year of remodeling this house I finally got my first injury...Filleted the tip of my middle finger with a utility knife.

For some reason Google Music suggested I listen to a Crazy Town album... I listened to it and now feel like strapping on some roller blades.

How can anyone possibly think that Donald Trump is NOT a giant piece of shit, lol. Dude is unreal.

The word cosplay really weirds me out. It sounds so sexual.

I need a radar detecto

If you're in downtown Des Moines and can't decide what to get for lunch, check out this thing I threw together: dmlunch.com

Charging my iPhone 6S for the third time today. Patiently waiting for my backordered Google Pixel to arrive.

Dudes. Make sure to write reviews for companies that gave you good service. They deserve it.

"You fat fucker" - my scale

Kari and I have been lazily laying around in separate rooms all morning. Enjoying the post-holiday silence.

Lederhosen n restrooms. Not that convenient.

It's the triptocram

I am especially thankful that I don't have kids

Thanks