Microblog

Today, I ate pizza for breakfast, tacos for lunch, and taco pizza for dinner.

What a weird halftime show

Overtime. 31-31 Shots on goal. Blackhawks beat the Wild 4-3. That was the best hockey game I've been to

imagine what it'd be like if people would just stfu about politics for a minute.

Lookin back at twenty eighteen. derek.broox.com...wenty-eighteen/

It's -40 degrees outside but everyone in Des Moines is out in the streets, jerkin off about Cardi B comin to town

Really excited to be crawling around my attic diagnosing a leak right now...

Karaoke should be illegal

No time to be sick...

One of my favorite parts of this weekend was when Kari sadly said, "ohh... we're the people with an old bathtub on the porch"

Country music. Why?

Everything that I had planned for this 3-day weekend has been canceled and I'm kind of excited about it... Back to the basement remodel!

Just cracked an egg without getting any egg white on my fingers... So I'm pretty much on top of the world right now.

Dudes. No shit, I just cut the 37 year old shower out of my basement bathroom and found a treasure. #dewsk #dewshine #dewhibition t.co/0likhlUBjr

remember when @SHAQ was a rapper? he had a song called, "i hate 2 brag, but damn, i'm good." that song was about me.

January 12. Busting out the snow shovel for the first time this season.

Come home late and your wife's sound asleep, so you whisper to your house, "turn on the ambient lights," the dim lights come on and your house screams back, "YOU GOT IT. TURNING ON THE AMBIENT LIGHTS"

I am really not cut out for late-night, mid-sleep work interruptions. 😴

I wonder when winter is gonna start

@realDonaldTrump do you ever walk around the White House ripping big ol farts to gross Melania out?